Denial of Death

A common thread which runs through all religions is the denial of death. They all have some form of belief which permits a person to survive, typically in the form of a soul, after the death of the body. They believe that something continues after the body dies.
Some religions have the concept of reincarnation. The soul returns in another body. Or if sufficiently enlightened, attains a state of permanent bliss referred to as 'Moksh'. Or becomes part of a 'universal soul' which permeates the universe.
Many religions have a reward and punishment concept. The soul is judged by a God for thoughts, actions and intentions during life and receives either a reward by being allowed into Heaven, apparently a nice place to be, Valhalla, an everlasting party with like-minded friends or punishment in the form of confinement to Hell, an unpleasant place to be in, typically due to low or high temperatures without the option of appropriate clothes.
There are variations such as spending some time in 'Purgatory' to atone for sins and then being allowed into Heaven.
The common thread is that the soul retains memory (no point being punished for something you don't remember doing), sensation (how do you punish someone who does not feel pain or heat or cold) and the power of thought (what's the point punishing someone if they can't regret doing what they did).
Another common thread is that the process is subject to intercession. For instance 'Jesus died on the cross for your sins' or 'if you believe in me you will go to heaven'. Most religions have 'brokers' who can, for a suitable consideration, alter your odds of going to Heaven or Hell. Priests can bless you, forgive you/ persuade God to forgive you etc. Pandits can performs Pujas, you can immerse yourself in certain rivers under the supervision of a suitable Bandit etc and 'wash away your sins'.
However, the entire edifice seems to be erected on nothing but wishful thinking and a refusal to face the concept of our inevitable mortality.
There is a popular saying:'In a foxhole, there are no atheists.' The implication is that when their own life is in danger, people pray to God to save them. In truth, when death is close, even religious people are concerned about their own immediate sensations and discomforts. Very few people die crying 'Hey Ram'. The last words are much more likely to be 'pass me some water' or 'can you turn me to that side?'
My mother died 6 months ago. She had been ill for about a year before that. She had multiple complications of long standing diabetes. There was a question about 6 months before she died about whether we should start dialysis for her failing kidneys. She was always aware of her medical issues. We did not hide anything from her. She made her own decisions and we kept to her decisions. She felt that her multiple medical problems had made her quality of life bad enough that she did not want to prolong her life. She declined to have dialysis. She also said "I want to die at home. Not in a hospital. Do what you can to keep me comfortable but not to prolong my life."
Towards the end she was in considerable pain and we were fortunate to find a doctor specializing in palliative care who came home and assessed her and worked with a full time nurse to control the pain and keep her comfortable. She died in her sleep with family around her instead of in a hospital ICU with a resident doctor pounding on her chest trying to revive her.
My own feelings were predominantly of relief. Both my father and I knew that death was inevitable. I was glad that there would be no more suffering.
As an atheist, I no longer had anything to worry about. She had wanted to donate her organs for transplant but dying of multi-organ failure as she did, that was not an option. The disposition of the body was not a matter of any concern for me any more. People have rituals. They want the body to be dressed in certain clothes, to be oriented in a certain direction, certain prayers and ceremonies to be performed. Family members and friends went about performing the relatively simple rituals Mayalali Hindus have. I was indifferent but followed the rituals.
I'm the only child of my parents. We're quietly and undemonstratively close. My parents have a large circle of friends. My mother was very hospitable and our home was often a base of operations for friends and family passing through the city. We informed some close friends and they informed others in turn and eventually the entire circle of family and friends knew that she had died. No 'wake' or 'chautha' or other form of ceremony was planned. I had booked a slot at the electric crematorium for the evening and whoever wanted to visit could come and visit before that or over the next few days.
The recurring theme was similar. They would come to offer condolences, often breaking down and weeping and praying for her soul to 'rest in peace'. I often found myself trying to console them in their own terms: 'she was a good person, her soul will go to heaven' and so on.
They, on the other hand, seemed to be waiting for some sort of response from me. At some point I suppose I was expected to break down in tears, perhaps rage at God for taking her away, plead with him to return her but, somewhat to my own surprise, nothing happened. I remember my cousin sisters asking me during the cremation: "you're not a very soft kind of person are you?" All I said was:"doesn't look like it does it?"
My wife was far more distraught than I was. At the same time, she wanted to console me. She seemed a bit confused that I did not seem to require consolation. I told her: "you know, you really have to consider the possibility that I'm just a cold-blooded bastard."
So what did I feel? Relief, certainly. I did not like that she was in pain. I did not like that she was weak and needed help to get out of bed and to go to the bathroom. I did not like that she seemed to have lost interest in the things that used to give her pleasure: music, movies, visits from friends and family. To me death was an end to suffering.
It is also something inevitable. I accept that some day, I will die, as will everyone I know and love. I do not look at death as something good or bad. Like gravity, it exists. Like gravity, I do not worry about it until I have to.