Patriotism today

Words change slowly as the manner in which they are used changes. Public discourse as well as political speeches have changed the meanings of words which we thought were well defined. This is an attempt to better define these words.
Patriotic
A patriotic person has the following properties:

1. Willing to loudly scream "Bharat Mata Ki Jai!"
2. Loudly proclaim his devotion for cows (as long as he does not actually have to take care of them).
3. Loudly call for war with Pakistan and China.
4. Periodically call for an economic blockade of China.
5. Is profusely distressed by the plight of Pandits displaced from Kashmir.
6. Profess great reverence for soldiers (as long as they themselves are not expected to join the army). Even greater reverence for soldiers killed in the course of border skirmishes or anti-terrorism operations. Even even greater reverence for parents, spouses and offspring of deceased soldiers (with the exception of occasional offspring who show signs of free-thinking and need to be subdued with threats of rape). From time to time call for the army to take over and run the government, the police and other civil mechanisms.
7. Has an orgasm at the mention of the word 'demonetisation'.
8. Calls for boycotting of movies with actors from Pakistan. Happily participates in mobs trashing movie theatres which attempt to show such movies.
9. Arrest and jail people who cheer for other teams in sporting contests.
10. Sings the National Anthem with great ardour at the movie theatre before watching 'Transformers'.
11. Loudly proclaims the ancient wisdom of India as exemplified in the epics (Ramayana, Mahabharata, Puranas, Vedas etc) which prove beyond doubt that Indians had nuclear weapons and could perform head transplants 6000 years ago.
12. Calls for the closure of anti-national universities like JNU.
13. Even after migrating to the US or UK, becomes even more patriotic, cheering loudly at Modi's faux pas' and sending their progeny to the local temple to learn Indian classical dance or music.

An unpatriotic, indeed anti-national person is one who:

1. Perniciously refuses to sing "Bharat Mata Ki Jai" or "Vande Mataram".
2. Eats cows when he gets an opportunity to do so.
3. Prefers peace and suggests avoiding escalation of the unnecessary conflicts with neighboring nations.
4. Realizes that China as a manufacturing powerhouse cannot be matched and advocates focusing on our own strengths without becoming too dependent on Chinese imports.
5. Realizes that while the displacement of some Hindus from Kashmir was regrettable, their plight is no longer relevant to the broader problem of what to do with the completely alienated population of Kashmir.
6. While appreciating the role played by soldiers in today's milieu would prefer to move towards a less confrontational world with smaller and smaller armies and less and less probability of war.
7. Criticizes demonetisation as a poorly planned and terribly executed stunt which has failed to meet nearly all its stated objectives.
8. Does not care about the nationality of actors, preferring to judge a movie by plot and aesthetics.
9. Appreciates exceptional sporting performances by other teams such as the Pakistani cricket team in the Champions Trophy or indeed the Pakistani Women's cricket team for merely managing to exist in a deeply pathological society.
10. Does not like the idea of coercing people to declare their patriotism by singing or rising for the national anthem. In fact, thinks that patriotism has nothing to do with flags and anthems.
11. Considers the religious texts to be largely mythological. Avoids AYUSH when seeking medical treatment.
12. Advocates for freedom of speech and exchange of ideas at our best universities.
13. After migrating to the US or UK makes friends with Blacks, Whites, Chinese, Mexicans, Koreans, Germans etc. Prefers to avoid the patriotic Indian.

The following characteristics, which are considered patriotic in 'immature' countries like Germany, Denmark, Netherlands, Finland etc are entirely irrelevant to the discourse.

1. Is aware of the problem of Global Warming and makes efforts to reduce the carbon footprint by investing in solar power, cycling to work and using electrical cars and public transport.
2. Likes to keep the environment clean and is obsessive about littering and cleaning up.
3. Feels that society owes all its citizens basic necessities which include food, shelter, clothing and healthcare.
4. Votes for a government which raises taxes to improve access to point no 3.
5. Votes for a government which allows refugees from violently patriotic countries and tries to incorporate said refugees into civil society.

The word 'secular' is no longer in use and has been replaced by the word 'sickular' which describes a person who advocates:

1. The inadvisability of using religious doctrine to make political decisions.
2. Suggests that a tyranny of the most prevalent religion in the manner of Saudi Arabia or Pakistan is undesirable.

Other words whose meanings have changed include 'intellectual' (which is now a 4-letter word of abuse), liberal (largely replaced by the pejorative libtard) and left wing (which is usually used to describe a victim of mob violence rather than a political ideology).